*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON ONE)

EPISODE 5: STOLEN

(A Magic Knight Rayearth MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Card Captor Sakura” and “Magic Knight Rayearth” are trademarks of CLAMP and those who distribute it

"Stolen” is the property of hikaru shidou and she's welcome to it.

I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I figure it's only a matter

of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,

Last sunday BC

There was this girl named Sakura

Quite different from you or me

She captured Clow Cards with her friends

All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens

They tried to save the human race,

But Eriol lost his patience

So he shot them into space!!!!

Sakura: (Hoeeee……)

Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)

We'll send them crappy fanfics

The worst we can find  (lalala)

They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds  (lalala)

Now keep in mind they can't control

When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)

Because, let’s face it, after all

Eriol’s not really their friend;

CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:

Meiling:

'Why me?’

Tomoyo:

'Smile!'

Syaoran:

'I hate my life.'

KEROOOOOOO!!!

'It’s not my fault!'

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe

And other science facts  (lalala)

Then repeat to yourself

*It's just a MiST*

You should really just relax

For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

20:15 Hours

Sakura Kinomoto and Syaoran Li were spending a wonderful evening curled up together on the couch reading fanfiction on Tomoyo’s laptop computer. Meiling had managed to get hold of a whole archive of good fanfics without Eriol finding out about it.

“Hi, guys!” announced Kero-Chan as he flew into the room. “What’re you reading?” Kero looked at the screen. “Hey! It’s ‘Card Captor Syaoran’! That’s one of my favorites! The author must be a total genius!”

“Quit sucking up, plushie.” Syaoran grumbled.

“I came to tell you we just got a call through from Deep 13,” said Kero.

“Not four-eyes again.” Sakura whimpered.

“Not exactly…” said Kero nervously.

Tomoyo stood before the viewscreen, which projected the image of TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun, but their ring leader, the evil Dr. Eriol Hiirigazwa was nowhere to be seen.

“Okay,” said Syaoran “Where’s Hiirigazawa?”

“He’s in the hospital,” replied Ruby Moon. “Touya broke in last week and tried to mangle him. Apparently he found out about you’re being sent up on the satellite, Kinomoto.”

“Yeah, and she just sat there and let him pummel Dr. H,” said Spinel Sun.

“Who am I to disagree with Touya?” said Ruby Moon. “Uh, anyway we have a guest mad scientist this week.”

<squeak!>

“What was that?” asked Sakura.

“It sounded kind of like a fruit bat,” said Tomoyo.

Ruby Moon sweatdropped. “Well, here she is. The Mad Scientist of CCS fanfics, Miss Kit.”

“WHAT?!” the satellite crew said in unison.

“Well, hello, my pretties,” said Kit as she came into view. “As you might have heard Eriol’s out for the time being so I’m running Deep 13 for the time being. He owes me anyway, after writing that April Fool’s version of ‘Nadesico’s Daughter’.”

“You know,” she continued. “If Eriol had asked me if it was a good idea to send a bunch of sixteen year olds into space where there’s no one to monitor them, I’d have said he was nuts. But, then again, the four of you are the most naïve, innocent little waifs I’ve ever seen.” Kit paused to look at her schedule. “Since I can’t create Clow cards we’ll skip the exchange this week and skip right to the experiment.”

DEEP 13

“Ruby Moon, hand me that file,” said Kit. Ruby Moon handed Kit a beige file folder with a small stack of paper inside. “I couldn’t help but notice that wisecrack you made about me in your song last week.”

“Aw, c’mon, Kit, that was just a little joke,” said Kero nervously. “You’re not going to take it personally… Are you?”

An evil smile came to Kit’s face. “I’ll let this fanfic speak on my behalf. It will deal out my retribution. It’s a Magic Knight Rayearth fic called ‘Stolen’ by a clueless nobody named hikaru shidou. Enjoy, my little friends.” With that, Kit fed the file into the computer.

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“This can’t be good,” muttered Syaoran.

“We’ll survive, Li-kun,” said Sakura “We always do.”

Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you

move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2: It’s made of mirrors. You risk the seven years bad luck and shatter them with a hammer.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan emerged from the light. The three take their seats in the theater while Kero-Chan floats overhead.

>Stolen

Kero: And you’re not getting it back.

>Category: Anime » Rayearth Censor: PG Genre: General

>Author: hikaru shidou

>Disclaimer: i don't own rayearth ::sighs:: i wish I did though.

Sakura: But we’re glad you don’t.

Tomoyo: Amen.

>Late at night in the castle of cephiro.

Syaoran: First mistake, lack of capitalization.

Sakura: Only eight words in too. This is a bad sign, guys.

>Lantis is on guard at the door of the pilliars bed chambers.

Syaoran: Huh?

Kero: So the bed chambers are made of… pillars?

Tomoyo: My head hurts.

>He creeps in.

Kero:<Lantis>Creepy feet… Sneaky feet… Ninja feet…

>Puts a cloth over Hikarus mouth.

Syaoran: All those Hikarus and only one mouth.

>Hikaru wakes up to her shock to see Lanis hog tying her and gaging her.

Sakura: And Lantis just stands there.

Tomoyo: Who’s Lanis?

Kero:<Lanis> I hog tied her in twenty seconds flat! A new record!

>He picks her up and runs out side to a ship that is wating for him.

Sakura: Wating?

>he puts HIkaru down.

Kero:<Lanis> You suck, Hikaru!

Syaoran: Two capitals, only one is in the right place.

>Lantis avoids looking her in the eyes cause he knows what he is doing is wrong.

Sakura: Gee, you think?

Syaoran:<Lantis> I stand for the legalization of kidnapping!

>" Eagle mission complete" Lantis calls using the computer screen.

All: Huh?

Sakura: Where’d that come from?

>" ok "

Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor>Whatever.

>Hikaru watches in fright as she is taken aboard the Autozam ship the NSX. Eagle comes in and puts his hand on >Hikarus head

Syaoran: Oh, for…

Sakura: Apostrophes! Use ‘em!

>" it will be okay just stay still." He reasures her.

Kero: Ugh…. This is really bad.

>Hikaru is terribly frighten.

All: It’s FRIGHTENED!!!

Syaoran: Nothing like stating the obvious.

>That morning at the Breakfeast table........

Kero: It’s a feast! A feast! But awwww, we broke it.

>FUU: I think Something bad has happened to miss Hikaru

Sakura: No?! REALLY?!!

Tomoyo:<Fuu>Are my capitals mixed up or am I drunk again?

>FERIO: why do you think that Fuu?

Kero: Which Fuu?

Tomoyo: THAT Fuu!

Sakura:<Fuu>Well, this ransom note, the blood stained sheets on her bed… Little stuff.

>FUU: Miss Hikaru never misses a meal unless something is wrong.

Kero: Thanks, Sherlock.

>UMI: ya remember that time when ascott and caldina where working for Zagoto and Hikaru went on a walk with Hikati >and ended up almost being moster food.

Syaoran: Yeah, perfect time for reminiscing.

Sakura:<Umi>Apparently, I’m sloshed too. I can’t use a capital letter correctly to save my life… Hee hee! What’s in this tea?

>PRESEA: I'll go see if shes in her room.

Syaoran: What an amazing stroke of deductive reasoning!!

Kero: OW! OW! OW! The grammar in this fic is about to make my little head explode!

>Presea goes to Hikarus room to see if she is there.

Sakura:<Presea>We keep all our Hikarus in one room!

>" OM gosh" is all that Presea could say

All: HUH?

Tomoyo:<Presea>Time for my meditation! Ommmm! Ommmmm!

>Presea runs to the breakfeast table.
>PRESEA: Shes gone
>CALDINA: Theres no reason for alarm now shes probaly walking around the castle

Sakura:<Presea>NOOOO! She’s been kidnapped along with all our spelling, grammar and punctuation skills!

>CLEF: NO I don't sence her presence on cephiro or in the castle

Syaoran:<Clef>What is in this tea?

>UMI: Maybe she went home??
>FUU: Without telling us???

Sakura:<Umi>Quick! Use up your question marks before the kidnapper gets them too!

>UMI: well were else could she be?

Tomoyo:<Fuu>Shopping for capital letters probably.

>FUU: That is very unlike Miss Hikaru to leave without us that is why I think she is still in this world.

Syaoran: Um…

Sakura: Since when does Fuu call her friend Miss Hikaru

Kero: I think the author’s missed the point.

Kero: What?

>ASCOTT: She'll probaly turn up some where sonner or later

Kero: Probably on a sonner-gram! Thank you!

>everyone agrees but doesn't belive what ascott said

Syaoran: Mostly, because they couldn’t make sense of it.

>Meanwhile on the NSX.....
>
>Hikaru's uniform is black tight jeans and a loose white shirt.

Sakura: Hikaru’s wardrobe provided by Fredrick’s Of Cephiro.

Syaoran: An apostrophe! It’s a miracle!

Kero: Hikaru in tight jeans? Ahhhh<Gurgle, gurgle>

Sakura: KERO!

>Hikaru: Leave Me alone
>MYSTERY MAN 1: no your the only girl on the ship

Kero:<Ben Stiller> And boy am I horny!

Sakura: Kero…

>Hikaru: SO
>Mystery man 2: That means we get to do what we please with you

Kero: See?

Sakura: Kero…

Tomoyo:<Janeane Garofalo> Maybe you should put some pants on, if you want to keep fighting evil today.

>Hikaru: ( very angry) No you may not.

Sakura:<Hikaru> So THERE!

>3 men got up and held Hikaru down.

Syaoran: I don’t remember a third man?

Sakura: Yeah, where’s Orson Welles when you need him?

Kero: Good one!

>Mystery man 1: If you don't listen to us we will have to hurt you. ( He draws his sword)

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>I am not listening! La la la la!

Syaoran:<Man, sketching>Hmmm. The blade needs some more shading on the left.

>Hikaru: HHHHHEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kero: Good strategy. Bury you attackers under exclamation points.

>Mystery man 2: ok you asked for it
>Mystery man 1 cuts hikarus arm. Blood pours out of the wound.

All: Eeeeeww.

Tomoyo:<Lucia from “Lunar 2: Eternal Blue”>Pain…

Syaoran: ACK! Cut that out!

>Hikaru: HELP PLEASE. LATIS, EAGLE, GEO, ZAZU HELP

Syaoran: So that’s what happened to the capital letters. Hikaru took them.

Sakura:<Hikaru>I knew they’d come in handy!

Tomoyo: Brilliant strategy! Ask your kidnappers for help.

>Just then Geo and Zazu walk into the lounge and see all the men hudled up.

Syaoran:<Geo>Uh-oh. They’re planning a Statue Of Liberty play.

>Hikaru: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kero: What only 26 exclamation points?

Sakura:<Hikaru>I’m running low.

>Geo and Zazu rush over to see whats going on.
>To thier horror the men are slicing Hikarus arms and Legs.

Syaoran: Maybe they’re the ones who are mutilating the English language in this fic.

>Geo: ( in very firm and annoyied voice) GET OFF HER!!!!!!!

Syaoran:<Geo a la Frank Burns>You pathetic deviants!

>Zazu pulls off one of the men.
>Geo Flings the other one across the room.
>man 3 runs . Hikaru is on her back bleeding.

Tomoyo: Gee, you think?

Kero: Is it possible for a migraine to have a migraine?

>GEO AND ZAZU TOGETHER: HIKARU!!!!!!!!!!

Syaoran: STELLLLAAAAAA!

>they help Hikaru off the gound.

Kero: Off the what?

Sakura:<hikaru shidou>The GOUND! Not yups epeaks Enlish?

>Zazu: are you okay??

Sakura:<Hikaru>Yeah, I’m peachy. I just love the sight of my own blood.

>Hikaru: yes thank you
>Geo: those jerks never quit.

Syaoran:<Geo>You should see the mess they made with our hostage last week. We’re still scrubbing pieces of him off the floor.

Sakura: Eeeew!

>Hikaru: Could you escort me to my room please?
>Geo: sure

Tomoyo: She seems calm for someone who’s bleeding to death.

>They reach Hikarus room.

Syaoran:<Geo>We’ve adopted your practice of keeping many Hikarus in one room.

>Hikaru: thanks I'll be fine now.
>Zazu: if they give any more trouble give us a call.
>Geo: ya we'll come and help.

Kero:<Geo>Dat’s good, ya?

>Hikaru: thanks.
>hikaru shuts the door.
>Geo: I hope she wasn't hurt much.

Syaoran: Well, gee, they were only HACKING HER UP WITH SWORDS!

>Zazu: we should tell eagle.
>Geo: He won't like it.
>Geo and zazu go to the bridge.
>Eagle: You 2 are suppose to be on break.

Kero:<Eagle>Stop working and start slacking off already!

>Zazu: we where going to the lounge to have some tea and candy.

All: <giggles>

Syaoran:<Geo> We were planning on choosing the colors for the ship’s curtains.

Kero:<Zazu> I still say pastels are the best way to go.

>Geo cuts him off.

Syaoran:<Geo>I learned that trick from Li Showron!

>Geo: But there where 3 guys hurting Hikaru.

Kero:<Geo>Were they where, we don’t know.

Sakura: Cute, Kero.

>one held her down while the others cut her up. SHes in her room now.
>Eagle: ( looks shocked)
>Lantis: is she okay?? ( he is very worried but shows no expression.)

Syaoran:<Geo>Oh, yeah. She’s peachy.

>Zazu: I think so she was bleeding badly.

Sakura: Yeah, that’s never a danger sign.

>Eagle and lantis exchange a look.

Syaoran:<Eagle>I’ll give you my look if you’ll give me yours.

Kero:<Lantis>Deal.

>Meanwhile at the castle.......................
>Fuu: Miss Umi I can't find Miss hikaru anywhere.

Sakura: Is Fuu the housemaid now or something?

>Umi: I worried no one has seen her or Lantis.
>Presea and caldina come up.

Sakura: Don’t even think about it.

Kero: Mmphrmph!

>Presea: have you seen Hikaru I would like to talk to her.
>Caldina: yeah we've been looking all over for her.

Tomoyo:<Umi>Uh, she was kidnapped this morning, remember?

Sakura:<Presea>Actually, no. I think that strange tea had something to do with it.

>Umi: sorry we haven't seen her either.
>Fuu: I am starting to think something really bad has happened to her.
>Caldina: relax Shes the pillar she can take care of herself.

Kero: Apparently not.

Syaoran: Yep. A Magic Knight and the pillar of Cephiro but she’s even more helpless than Emeraude ever was.

>Presea: I hope your right caldina

Kero: As opposed to your left Caldina.

>Back at the ship.............

Syaoran: Is it just me or is everyone in this fic just a tad too mellow?

Sakura: I think it has something to do with the tea their drinking. It’s spiked or something.

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>Hee, hee… This tea is great! Uh-oh! The walls are melting again. Hee, hee, hee…

>There is a knock at Hikarus door.

Kero: Knock, Knock!

Sakura: Who’s there?

Kero: The rest of the Hikarus that share your room! Open up!

>Hikaru: GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

All: WHOA!

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>I NEED MORE TEA! GIVE ME TEA!!!!!

>Eagle: but its
>Hikaru: I don't care who you are GO AWAY!!!!!!!

Syaoran: At least now she’s acting like she’s been kidnapped.

>Eagle: Eagle
>Hikaru: Oh One second commander.

Tomoyo: Give me a break!

>Hikaru is wearing a red dress and has her hair in a braid as usuall.

Kero: Yes, doesn’t she look stunning? You can find this outfit on page ten in your programs.

Tomoyo:<singing>Lady in red!

Sakura: What?! Did they kidnap her wardrobe too?

>She wears white boats that come up to her ankles.

All:<giggles>

Syaoran: Honestly, Hikaru. Can’t you just use a life preserver like everyone else?

Sakura: Hikaru’s Footwear provided by The Sea-Doo Company!

>The dress is sleeveless and comes up to her knees.

Sakura: Huh?

Kero: So it starts at her ankles and goes to her knees?

>She finishes wraping her arm in bandeges.
>Hikaru: Sorry sir I thought you where those jerks

Syaoran: Now she’s calling her kidnapper “Sir”. What’s next?

>Eagle:( looks at the floor its covered in blood. ) Is this your blood?

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>Nah. I caught some guy rummaging through my underwear drawer so I bludgeoned him to death with a chair.

Kero: Yeah, but what a way to go.

Sakura: Kero…

Kero: What?

Sakura: This fic is inspiring some really violent quips.

>Hikaru: Yes sir I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to clean it up.

Syaoran: Ugh! They expect her to clean up her own blood?!

>Eagle: its okay. GEo and zazu tod me what happened are you okay??
>Hikaru: Yes Sir. THanks to geo and zau. One more minute and I would have been killed.

Sakura: Not unlike the rules of grammar and spelling have been in this fic.

>Eagle: Want me to make you a choclate shake??

All: WHAT?!

Sakura: Where did Eagle learn First Aid?

Syaoran:<Dr. Mark Green on “ER”>The patient is flatlining! I need a chocolate shake! STAT!

>Hikaru: ( acts like a kid in a candy shop. she liked eagles chochlate shakes. ) YEs sir Thank you.

Kero: Makes you wonder what he puts in those shakes.

>Eagle: ( gives hikaru a smile) My pleasure.

Syaoran:<Eagle>I knew you had a large smile collection. I hope this will help.

Sakura:<Hikaru> WOW! I don’t have this one yet!

>eagle leaves and Hikaru cleans up the blood.
>eagle comes back with the shake.

Kero: Stop wiggling your butt, Eagle!

Sakura: Kero…

>Eagle: here you go.
>Hikaru: ( stands up from cleaning) Thank you sir.

Syaoran: What’s up? Did someone rip out Hikaru’s spine? YOU WERE KIDNAPPED! REMEMBER?!

>Eagle: ( gives a smile, tuns to leave) O and you look very pretty in that dress.
>eagle leaves
>hikaru cleans up the blood and drinks her drink while she blushes thinking about what her commaner >had said.

Syaoran: ARGGHHHHHH! Hikaru! You’re a Magic Knight and the pillar of Cephiro and these guys kidnapped you for crying out loud!! Fry them, broil them, anything! Just DO SOMETHING!!!

>Back at the castle
>
>Fuu: I hope Hiakru is okay.

Sakura:<Umi>What about Hikaru?

Tomoyo:<Fuu>Screw her.

>Ferio: shes probaly okay she the pilliar. lantis is missing too.

Syaoran: Smooth.

>Umi: why am I just hearing this??

Tomoyo:<Fuu>Probably because you have your eyes closed.

>Ascott: About what?
>Umi: Lantis missing.
>NO one said anything.

Sakura:<Umi>Oh, crap. I was drinking that tea again, wasn’t I?

>Umi: Shes probaly with lantis too.
>Clef: what do you mean?

Tomoyo:<Umi>I have no idea. Ask the author.

>Umi: Well think abouut it. Lantis and Hikru are missing at the same time.
>Umi looks at fuu
>Fuu: ( who understands what miss umi is saying)

Syaoran: Great, maybe she can explain it to us.

>O miss umi your not impling that......
>Umi: yep
>The two girls get all giggle.
>Caldina: Whaats so funny?

Tomoyo:<Umi> Nothing… hee hee hee… It’s the tea again… Heee HEE HEEEEE!! Look at the pretty colors…

>umi looks at caldina and presea.
>Presea: ( who had just got what they are talking about)

Sakura: That puts her ahead of us, boy.

>He better not dare caldina just got it.

Kero: Uh, what?

>Clef, Ferio, ascott, Lafarga: Did we miss something???

Syaoran: You’re not the only ones, guys.

>The girls started to lagh harder at the boys clueless expressions.

Sakura:<Fuu>HEE heeheeheeheeheehee! MORE TEA! MORE TEA!

>Back on the nsx................

>Hikaru was dancing around and sining

Kero: Sinning? WOO-HOO! What kind of sins? I’ll bet she’s busy…

Sakura: KERO!

>as she waited for her wounds to heal.
>Then there was a knock at her door.

Kero: Knock, knock!

>HIkaru didn't hear the knock.

Kero: Uh, I said KNOCK, KNOCK!

>Lantis awlked into the room

Syaoran:<Lantis>AWLK! AWLK! AWLK!

>and watched in amazment as Hikaru sang and danced.

Kero:<Lantis>Wow! She’s got a great…

Sakura: Kero…

>When hikaru finnial finished that verse she turned and saw lantis watching her.

Kero: Lantis likes to watch.

Sakura: Kero…

>Hikaru: How long have you been here and how much have you seen???

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>I’m afraid you must die now.

Syaoran: We can only hope.

>Lantis: not long. But I came here to inform you that since you are 5th in the rank of command you >are invited to eagles surprise birthday party.

Sakura: They kidnap her and then they put her a command position. Smart.

Syaoran: The crew must not pay much attention to rank if they decided to try and cut her up.

>Hikaru: When????
>lantis: today in 4 hours autozam time

Sakura: How is that different from four hours of Cephiro time?

Syaoran: How would I know?

>Hikaru: why Am I just finding out??
>Lantis: cause I just found out

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>Oh… Okay.

>Hikaru: what should we get him???

Syaoran: How about a digital clock? One that’s wired to a large amount of C-4 covered in thin metal that will turn into razor sharp shrapnel when it detonates. Then everyone will be shredded and mangled and…

Sakura: Calm down, Li-kun.

Syaoran:<whimpering>It hurts, Sakura…

Sakura: I know, I know, dear.

Tomoyo: Awwwww. That’s cute.

Kero: I’m gonna be sick.

>Lantis: no one is getting him a gift.

Kero:<Lantis>We hate his guts.

>We are to far from autozam to affoad giftts anyway. I'm sure he'll be happy that we threw a party >just the same.

Kero: Yeah, okay.

>hikaru: How old is he anyway????
>lantis: he's turning 16.
>hikaru: 16!?!?!?!?!?!

Tomoyo:<Hikaru>WHOA! Tea rush.

>Lantis: why does that surprise you???
>Hikaru: he looks like he is in his early 20's.
>Lantis: Well I'm 16 geo is 26, and zazu is 15.
>Hikaru: none of you look like your ages. you look like your in your 20's. geo late 20 early 30's, and >zazu doesn't even look 10.

Syaoran:<Lantis>We’re all caught in some freaky time warp.

All:<singing>Let’s Do The Time Warp Thi-i-i-i-i-i-ng!

>lantis: well don't forget 4 hours.

Sakura:<Hikaru>Sorry, but the tea’s made me forget a lot more that that. By the way, who are you?

>Hikaru: where is it??
>Lantis: In the meeting room.
>Hikaru: see you then.

Kero: Hikaru goes back to being a mellow kidnap victim.

Tomoyo:<singing> They call her mellow yellow!

>Back at the castle...............

Syaoran: Back and forth, back and forth. It’s like a ping-pong game.

>Umi: Hey fuu think we should check for Hikaru out side the castle in our rune gods??

Sakura:<Umi>I’m sho shloshed… Pash me the whiskey again.<hic>

>Umi's head was lying on ascotts shoulder. He didn't want her to move.
>Ascott: why don't I just send a spirit beast out to search.
>Umi: okay.
>Ascott did his little summoning spell and a beast apeared

Syaoran: I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

>Ascott: Okay Jose go look for Pilliar Hikaru. Be careful.
>Jose was a big butterfly but it could bring his wings in and out.

Kero: Um, okay.

>back on the ship........
>
>Geo: I think we should escort Hikaru here so nothing bad happens to her
>Lantis: I agree
>Zazu: yeah

Syaoran: Something BAD?! You mean like falling into the clutches of the author??!! THAT KIND OF BAD!

Sakura: Easy, Li-kun, easy.

Syaoran:<whimpering>This fic hurts so much…

>all 3 walk to Hikaru's room.

Kero: Another apostrophe!

Sakura: It’s a miracle!

>There is a knock on Hikaru's door but she doesn't hear it.

Tomoyo: She should get her hearing checked.

>she is too busy danceing around.

Tomoyo: Everybody dance!

Syaoran: Let’s not and say we did.

>Lantis, geo and zazu all hear her singing and are enchanted by her voice, as they walk into the room >they see her danceing and singing.
>Hikaru turns around and looks at them standing there.

Syaoran: Is the fic over yet?

Sakura: Not yet.

Syaoran: How about now?

Sakura: Sorry, not yet.

>Hikaru: Hey do you guys mind knocking. what if I was changing or something!!!

Kero:<Lantis>We did knock, ya deaf freak!

Sakura: Kero…

Syaoran: Yeah, God forbid she should actually lock a door.

Tomoyo: That’s what got her in this mess in the first place.

>Zazu: sorry Hikaru but We came to get you for the party.

Kero:<Zazu>Take off your clothes and get in the cake!

Sakura: Kero…

>Hikaru: lets go.
>Geo: Hikaru will you do me a favor???
>Hikaru: Yes sir?
>Geo: will you sing for us at the party????
>Hikaru: absolutly not sir.

Syaoran: WHY? WHY IS SHE CALLING HIM “SIR”?!!!!

Sakura: Easy, Li-kun.

Tomoyo: Stay frosty.

Kero: I’m starting to think he fakes it for the attention.

>HIkaru looks down at the floor and remembers why she quit the school choir. voices of the children >teaseing her pained her.

Tomoyo:<Lucia From “Lunar 2: Eternal Blue”>Pain… Uh, again.

>Lantis: Hikaru did you hear what I said??? Hello??

Kero:<Lantis> Anyone home?

>Lantis saw she wasn't going to sing willingly.
>Hikaru: sorry I wasn't paying attention.

Sakura:<Hikaru> Side effect of the tea.

>Lantis: nevermind

Kero:<Lantis> Talk to the hand.

>While hikaru wasn't paying attention lantis had a chance to explain his plan to geo to make Hikaru >Forcefully sing . Geo had agreed to the plan..

Syaoran: They’re going to MAKE her sing?! Is she a prisoner or a crew member? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND ALREADY!

Sakura: Shh. Easy, Li-kun.

Kero: Then again, considering this fic, maybe he isn’t faking.

>Zazu: Come on call eagle allready and get this party started I want to see the surprise.
>Hikaru: what Surprise

Kero:<Zazu>You’re not the one who’s supposed to be surprised, remember?

Sakura:<Hikaru>Oops.

>Geo: Nothing

Syaoran: What is the value of this fic, Alex?

>Lantis: EAGLE COME TO THE METING ROOM NOW. Its an umm Emergancy.

Tomoyo: Very convincing.

>Eagle as usuall had a smile on his face.

Kero:<Eagle>Mmmmmm. Teeeeeea….<gurgle, gurgle>

>Eagle steeped into the room

Sakura: Speaking of tea…

>GEo,LAntis, Zazu And Hikaru: SURPRISE HAPPY BIRTHDAY EAGLE

Syaoran: May you and everyone else in this fic die very, very soon!

Sakura: Li-kun.

Syaoran: Gomen.

>Eagle: Wow I thought You guys forgot.

Kero:<Eagle>What, with all the tea you were drinking, I’m amazed you remember how to breathe.

>Geo: Now How could we forget our commanders 16th birthday.

Syaoran:<Geo> Especially after all the hints you dropped.

>Eagle: ( had A happy face on) Aw
>HIkaru: Come on lets have some cake. Its Choclate brownie cake.
>ZaZu: MMMM My FAvorite.
>Eagle: Mine too.

Tomoyo: Great. A lame WAFF effort thrown in.

Kero:<Eagle>Did you remember the secret ingredient?

Syaoran:<Geo>Yep. Tea!

Sakura: You guys

>Lantis: Well Blow out the candels and make a wish.
>Eagle takes a deep breath and blows out the candles.
>Lantis exchanges a look with geo.

Kero:<Lantis>I traded with Eagle earlier but I don’t like this look, you want it?

>geo gives a nod.
>Lantis wishpers something to Hikaru
>Hikaru: I told you No.
>Lantis takes Hikaru By the hand and escorts her out.

Kero: She said “No”, dimwit.

Sakura: Lantis can’t take a hint.

>Eagle: Lantis where are you going??
>Lantis: We are GOing to get your surprise.
>Hikaru: No NO nO

Syaoran: And, of course, no one does anything when Lantis drags her away kicking and screaming!!

Sakura: Happy thoughts, Li-kun, happy thoughts.

>LAntis Picks Up Hikaru and goes to Hikarus room.
>Lantis: Put This On.
>Lantis Hands Her a Outfit from Chizeta

Tomoyo: Which he just happened to have.

Sakura:<Jan Brady>All this talk about Lantis! Lantis, Lantis, Lantis!

>Hikaru: First of all If I did Put it on You Would have to leave second I'm not wearing it.

Sakura: That about covers it.

>Lantis Looked at her lovingly

Tomoyo: Nothing says lovin’ like taking someone hostage cutting them up and forcing them to wear skimpy clothes.

>Lantis: Please Hikaru Its Only 4 guys.

Sakura: Don’t even think about it, Kero.

Kero: Spoil sport.

>Hikaru: Yes 4 guys who happen to be my friends and my respected commanders.

Tomoyo: Who also kidnapped you.

>lantis: We Will still respect you Hikaru even If You didn't do this. But we Would respect you even >more If you did this.

Kero: Yeah, nothing earns respect like dressing like a slut.

Sakura: Kero…

>Hikaru: fine But I'm not walking through the ship dress liked this.
>Lantis: Fine I'll turn around.
>Hikaru: I would feel better if you left.
>Lantis: Fine

Sakura:<Hikaru>Fine.

Syaoran:<Lantis>Fine.

Sakura:<Hikaru>Fine.

Syaoran:<Lantis>Fine.

HIkau: I can't believe I'm doing this.

Kero: Neither can we.

>lantis shut the door behind him.
>Hikaru changed into the chizetian clothes.
>Hikaru: Omg I can't believe I'm Wearing this.

Tomoyo:<Hikaru> Mom said if I got into tea I’d end up a pathetic stripper.

Kero: Heh, heh.

Sakura: You guys.

>At that Lantis came in
>Lantis: come on they are waiting for us.
>lantis picked up a blanket and wrapped it around Hikaru and picked her up and went to the meeting >room.
>Eagle: what is takeing them so long??

Kero: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Sakura: Kero…

>Geo: believe me its worth the wait.
>just then lantis came in carring Hikaru

Tomoyo: Why? Can’t she walk?

>Eagle: Is she hurt.
>Lantis: No
>Hikaru: I really don't want to do this
>Lantis took out his sword and put it to her neck.

Syaoran: What is this?! A David Lynch movie?!! Lantis has a moral problem with kidnapping Hikaru but he has no problem holding a sword to her throat to make her strip?!! ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Sakura: Easy, Li-kun. Just relax.

Syaoran:<whimpering> I can’t take much more of this…

>Eagle: Lantis there is no need for that.
>Lantis ignored eagle
>Lantis: do It
>hikaru: Fine but put your sword away.
>Hiakru removed the blanket to revel the skimppy clothes.

Kero: Time for a night of revelry!

Sakura: Kero…

>THe men where all aroused.

All: ARGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Sakura: It’s a LEMON FIC! A Lemon is disguise!!!

Kero:<Hikaru>Is that a sword in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

>HikarU: I feel so Humiliated.

Syaoran: I feel so nauseated.

Tomoyo: I feel so violated.

Sakura: I feel so icky.

Kero: Synonyms aren’t your strong point, are they, Sakura?

>HIkaaru Sang POWER OF LOVE. ( AUThors note From sailor moon)

Sakura: I thought that song was from “Back To The Future”.

Syaoran:<Doc Brown> Just think, Marty. With this DeLorean, we can accomplish anything, including stopping the author from ever writing this fic.

>SHe danced around and sang.
>Everyone enjoyed this show.

Tomoyo: Never mind that Lantis was going to slit her throat not five minutes ago.

>EAgle and lantis where amazed at her bodie and her voice.

Kero: But not as amazed as they were about the huge amount of spelling and grammatical errors in the story they inhabited.

>The words came out naturally. Her voice sounded like a goddess.

Tomoyo:<Hikaru> I stole it from Belldandy!

Sakura:<Skuld> Steal my sister’s voice, will you?! Eat explosive, pillar girl!

<KA-BOOM!>

Kero: We really are getting violent.

>BAck at the castle.....................
>
>Umi: I know where Hikaru Is

Syaoran: Wow!

Sakura: About time.

>Fuu: Where
>Umi: shes up on the NSX
>Fuu: ?????

Tomoyo:<Fuu>You’ve been drinking the tea again, haven’t you?

>Umi: NO time to explain come on. The girls got on thier rune gods and headed for the mighty battle ship in orbit.

Kero: So… Is Umi narrating now?

Syaoran:<Rhett Butler>Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.

>Fuu: Umi I hope your right
>Umi: Of course I am

Sakura:<Fuu>By the way, how do you know about all this?

Tomoyo:<Umi>Ummm…

Sakura:<Fuu>Well?

Tomoyo:<Umi>I actually have no idea.

>THey dock with the ship. And Hear Hikaru singing.
>They Followed her voice to the meeting room. There they saw Hikaru Dressed in the Chizetian outfit.

Syaoran: Oh, for… IF IT WAS THAT EASY, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO IT SOONER?!!

Sakura: Anything’s possible in fanfiction.

Kero: In most cases, that’s a good thing.

>Fuu ad Umi: Hikaru

Tomoyo: New “Rayearth” Algebra! Fuu+Umi=Hikaru! Try it! It’s easy!

>Hikaru spun around

Sakura:<Hikaru>Whoo! I’m dizzy!

>to see 2 girls one with blue hair and sapphire eyes, and another with golden blonde and emerld eyes.

Kero: Gee, who could they be?

>Hikaru ran to behind Eagle because she didn't have any weapons on her.

Syaoran: Give me a break. Hikaru is hiding behind her kidnappers because she’s afraid her two best friends are going to assault her?

>Lantis and geo jumped up.

Kero:<Geo>Quit pinching my butt, Hikaru!

Sakura: Kero…

>Geo: How did you get on the ship??
>Umi:through the door.

Syaoran: No one locks doors anymore.

Kero:<Eagle>Gee, I suddenly feel really stupid.

>Fuu: Hikaru come on everyone is worried about you.
>Hikaru : I don't know who you are but leave me alone

All: HUH?!

Sakura: So… Hikaru was brainwashed?

Tomoyo: Nice of the author to tell us, huh?

Kero: That would explain a lot.

Syaoran: Yeah, but why do they still treat her like a prisoner half the time?

>Fuu and umi are shocked

Tomoyo:<Umi>I never figured Hikaru was a tea junkie.

>Lantis: you heard her leave her alone.

Syaoran:<Fuu>Yeah, I always listen to kidnapping, brainwashing, abusive S.O.Bs like you! Fry in hell, Lantis!!

Tomoyo: Geez, Li-kun’s Fuu impression is so good it’s kinda creepy.

>Umi: LAntis everyone thinks ( umi gets all giggly)

Sakura:<Fuu>This is kind of a bad time to be sloshed, Umi.

>Fuu: Umi hush Come one Hikaru.

Kero: Come one, come all!

>Hikaru: no We are in the middle of celebrating our commanders birthday party and it is really rude to leave a party.

Syaoran: I’m starting to wish Lantis had lopped off her head.

>Umi puls Hikaru out from behind eagle.
>Umi :Hikaru what are you wearing.

Sakura:<Hikaru> It’s the latest style. Do you like it?

>Hikaru: this is not my Idea of clothing. I know I will challenge You to a battle If I win I stay If I lose I'll go with you.

Syaoran: Thank God she didn’t challenge her to a spelling bee. We’d be here all night.

Sakura:<Umi> Your word is “Brooch”.

Tomoyo:<Hikaru> Um… B-R-O-A…. Uh, B-R-O-A-W…

Kero: I know I’ve heard that bit somewhere before.

>Fuu: Miss HIkaru I accept your challenge.
>Hikaru: just let me get changed into my uniform please.
>Umi: ok
>Hikaru leaves o get changed.

Sakura: Hikaru has clothes for everything.

>Umi walks up to lantis
>Umi: what did you do to her???????
>Lantis: I did nothing.

Syaoran:<Lantis> Unless you count kidnapping her, making her wear that outfit, threatening to lop off her head if she didn’t act like a stripper for us… Hmm, I’ve been a busy little scumball.

>Fuu: Your lying She doesn't remember us. She thinks she is a member of autozams crew.
>Eagle: She is a member of our crew.

Sakura:<Umi> Gee, really? Well as long as you say so…

>Geo: your going to lose this battle.

Tomoyo:<Umi>Hmmm, better not take chances then.

Syaoran: With that, Umi and Fuu brutally murdered Geo, Lantis, Eagle, Zazu and the rest of the crew and tossed their many dismembered body parts out the window. Then they finished Hikaru because she was obviously too dumb to remain the pillar of Cephiro.

Sakura: Eew! What is this? American McGee’s Rayearth?

>Umi: I thought you loved her lantis how could you brain wash her like that??
>Fuu: yes and sir Eagle it is quite ovious you have feelings for Miss HIkaru too How could you do such a thing?
>Hikaru enters the room
>Hikaru: Lets battle

Tomoyo:<Umi>Keep your pants on, Hikaru. These guys haven’t answered our questions yet.

>Zazu: which ship will you be using??
>Hikaru: none of regulation of military.

All: HUH?!!

Syaoran: Oh, never mind.

>on hikarus arm there is a black communicater. She opens it up and pushes a few buttons.
>Hikaru: lets rumble

Sakura: No wonder the acting and plot is so bad. It’s a set-up for professional wrestling.

>They walk to the launch pad and there is no ship.
>GEo: hikaru where is your ship.
>Hikaru: you'll see
>Hikaru walks to the edge of the docking bay.
>HIkaru: Don't worrie about me.
>Hikaru jumps off the bay.

Syaoran: SPLAT! Hikaru was no more.

>Lantis, geo, zazu, and eagle: HIKARU!!!!

All: STELLLLLLAAAAA!

>HIkaru comes up on a ship.
>HIkaru: i said not to worry.
>Umi and Fuu enter thier rune gods.
>Umi: SELECE

Sakura: Selece? I thought it was Celes.

Kero: It’s a spelling mistake. Does that seem like a surprise with this author?

>Fuu: WINDOM
>Fuu: ( call on her orb) Ferio Ferio.
>Ferio is in the main room watching the viewing moniter.
>Ferio: Fuu what is it???
>Fuu: Miss Hikaru has been brain washed and thinks she is part of the Autozamian army. We have to fight her to get >her to come with us.

Syaoran:<Ferio>Uh, why are you telling me this when I can’t do anything?

>Ferio: you mean that ship is from autozam and Hikaru is the pilot??
>Fuu: NO that is miss Hikaru's ship. I have no Idea where it is from but it apparently is hers. She is the pilot.

Syaoran:<Ferio>Um, that’s what I said.

>Ferio: Be careful fuu I want you too come back in one piece.
>Fuu: okay
>Ferio: well looks like lantis has brain washed Hikaaru.
>The group looks at him funny.

Kero:<Ferio>What? Do I have something hanging from my nose? What is it?

>Ferio: She Thinks she is part of the autozam army. and that ship is not from autozam but it apparently is from earth >and it is Hiikaru's. She is going to fight fuu and umi.
>Caldina: So your saying the pilliar brought a ship from earth?????????
>Ferio: I belive so
>everyone looks on in awe at the awsome ship.

Tomoyo: Great. Now the author’s being redundant too.

>Umi: Fuu just use your Winds of adbonishment and we'll get this over with.
>Fuu: WINDS OF ADBONISMENT
>winds circle around hikaru
>Hikaru: HAHAHA you think magic is going to hurt my ship please.

Sakura:<Hikaru>Hurt my ship! Please!

>hikaru fires a bumble bee missle at her friends,..

Kero: A what missile?

>She knocks both of them out of the sky.
>Hikaru: This match is over.

Sakura: That was fast.

>Umi: SAPPHIRE WHIRLWIND.
>Hikaru is tossed allitle.
>HIkaru: yo girl its useless.

Tomoyo: Hikaru’s in da house!

Sakura: What is this? Hikaru from the ghetto?

>GEo: think shes going to win??
>Zazu: she has to.

Kero:<Zazu>I don’t want to give up our new plaything!

Sakura: Kero…

>Eagle: ya no doubt look at that ship. Its dodgeing all the magic spells and it knocked the magic knights out of the sky.

Syaoran: Screw you, Eagle.

Tomoyo: Yeah, Earth technology is light years ahead of all that fancy sorcery and stuff from Cephiro.

>Lantis says nothing.

Syaoran: Hopefully because someone hacked his tongue out.

Sakura: Stay frosty, Li-kun.

>Hikaru: I'm bored of this.

Kero: Not as bored as we are, babe.

Tomoyo: Amen.

>she flies back to the NSX after one more shot that knocks UMI AND FUU out of the sky.
>Umi: shes tough
>Fuu: I think we have underestimated miss Hikaru
>Fuu: EMERLD TYPHON.
>Hikaru is caught up in a gale.
>Hikaru: Shields still holding, Hull full no doubt these people are weak.

Sakura: Yeah, whatever, Hikaru, ya babbling idiot.

>Hikaru returns to the NSX.
>Clef: She is strong.
>Presea: why has she never told us about that ship.
>Ascott: YOu know she is very secretive maybe shes hiding other things like that .
>Hikaru goes to the bridge of the NSX
>Hikaru: Now lets finish the party:-)
>everyone is happy on the NSX and they party again

Syaoran: So she wants to remain on a ship full of people who try to chop her up and treat her like a hooker?

>Back in rthe castle......
>Umi: damn she pulled out her ship
>Fuu: she is not allowed to do that

Tomoyo:<Fuu> That’s against the rules!

>Caldina : what are you two talking about
>Fuu: nothig
>Umi: nothing but we know how to destroy that ship.
>Ferio: where in the world did she get that thing??
>Umi: No where

Kero: Gee, you think they’re hiding something?

>Lafarga: Look its ovious that you two know whats going on so tell us
>Umi: NO
>Fuu: Miss Umi and I are as clueless as you are sir lafarga.

Sakura: And just about everyone else in this fic.

>Presea: I think we should get Hikaru back the same way they took her from us
>Ascot: what are you thinking aunt presea???
>Presea: Come here and i'll tell you

Syaoran: Oh, please, continue. I want to hear this brilliant plan.

>On the NSX.........
>
>Hikaru: wow its late
>she said through her yawn
>Geo: I think we should go to bed.

Sakura: Don’t even think about it, Kero.

>Hikaru: Yep I'm up for that.( She got up and went over to eagle.) Happy birthday
>She gave him a kiss on the cheeck.
>Hikaru: night
>Everyone was shocked by what she had did. Hikaru went to bed that night.

Tomoyo: Yeah, who’d want to kiss Eagle anyway?

>She woke up in her bed chamber in the castle.
>Hikaru: Oh It was just a dream.

All: WHAT?!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!!!

>Authors notes: The ship is from a secret millitary base on earth where the head pilots are the magic knight :-) so thats >how umi anf Fuu knew what it was.

Sakura: An Earth military base dedicated to Magic Knights from Cephiro?

Syaoran: Clearly, we’re not keeping up on our Rayearth lore, guys.

>Also i won't tell u if it was a dream or not. Its up to you wiether it was a dream or did the magic knights really save >thier friend. I wanna know what u think.

Kero: Trust us, you don’t want to know what we really think.

Tomoyo: I’ll say.

Sakura: Amen.

Syaoran: Now let’s get the hell out of here.

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo, and Kero stumbled out of the theater looking wiped out.

“So how did it go?” asked Meiling. They all mumbled incoherent replies. Sakura and Syaoran stumbled away to return to reading good fanfiction and Kero went off to go play video games.

“By the way, Daidouji,” said Meiling. “A package from Kit came for you through the umbilliport at Deep 13 during the fanfic. It had some not attached that said something about a practical joke?”

“Where is it?” asked Tomoyo. Meiling went back to the bridge and picked up a large box with a Post-It note attached. Tomoyo peeked at the contents inside and an evil grin came to her face. “Oh, this is perfect,” she giggled. She picked up the box and took off for her room.

Meiling shrugged and returned to the bridge and pressed the button.

THE REAL END

(Feel free to hum “Catch You, Catch Me” as the credits roll)

What’s in the box? I’ll reveal that next episode. It’ll be a lot of fun, trust me. I wanted to do a Rayearth MSTing and so I headed to fanfiction.net and started looking. I found this fic on my second try and knew it would be perfect MST material. The irony is I didn’t know just how bad it was at first. This is even worse than the work of Dr. Thinker, the most MSTed author of all time. About half way through I genuinely started hating the fanfic and started writing some seriously violent quips.

Also, I only recently realized that I hadn’t mentioned how old the CCS cast is in CCST3K. I decided to make it sixteen since that age matches the level of sarcasm I use.

Anyway, as for Kit, I’m hoping she’ll take this as a compliment instead of an insult. If she takes it as an insult, I’ll never win that fanfic contest.

-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

>She woke up in her bed chamber in the castle.
>Hikaru: Oh It was just a dream.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations

are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc.  All rights

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